Hosiery is a classic option (Picture: Dave Anderson for Metro.co.uk)

Masturbating is amazing – it’s free, hurts nobody, and takes five minutes 

Plus at the end you get to literally orgasm.

But alas, it is by no means a tidy affair.

Indeed, it gets pretty ropey fast.

And since the dawn of civilisation – when primitive man completed that first historic tug in the dim recesses of his cave – the burning question of how to dispose of excess seed has never satisfactorily been resolved.

To this day, opinion is divided. Do you cum in a Kleenex, or spaff in a sock?

Not to mention other myriad jizz receptacles we could name, like old towels or my shower drain.

So I decided once and for all to cut through the confusion and definitively rank the best (and worst) ways of cleaning up after burping the worm.

Shall we crack on?

15. All over a magazine

I know most of you groovy millennials out there will struggle to relate, but back in the days before unlimited free porn on your phone magazines were all we had.

It wasn’t so bad, really. You could share them with mates. The standard of photography was excellent, on the whole.

And because you’d have to jerk it to the same material over and over, you became far more resourceful and creative.

Anyway, the joke about porn mags was always ‘hurr durr, don’t get the pages stuck together!’

Implying that ejaculating into a porn mag, sullying your most prized possession and ruining it forever for everybody else, was commonplace enough to be a running gag.

So if for whatever reason you’re offline, spanking it in ‘analogue’ mode, don’t besmirch the merchandise.

If nothing else, it’s proper anti-social.

14. Hold it in your foreskin

Some pioneering freaks have figured out you can pinch your knobflap at the very last moment ‘twixt thumb at forefinger, trapping your ejaculate in a makeshift skin pouch to plop open into a toilet bowl or sink.

Just picture that, reader.

It certainly has the advantage of being cheap, and doesn’t consume any resources.

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