What do you masturbate to?

Do I apply the same curiosity to sex as I do to science? No: I don’t believe that I do. The fundamental difference being that I will never be able to solve all the mysteries of  the universe, but if I dedicated the rest of my life to it I could probably ask a significant population of the world what they masturbate over. (Though of course those sexual desires are as changeable as our current view of space and time…) But I am incredibly curious when I ask you what you masturbate to…


It’s apparently not always appropriate to ask. It’s apparently very infrequently appropriate to ask, in fact, which in my opinion is hugely disappointing. I want to know, you see. Sometimes it’s an idle curiosity, a passing thought that wonders lazily through my head. Sometimes it’s a desperate need to know, to possess another piece of the puzzle of what do other people like.

The more attractive I find you, the greater my curiosity will be to know what the last fantasy or piece of porn or filthy thought which entertained you as your hand slipped down to grasp your cock or rub at your clit. The more probable it is that I’ve touched myself to thoughts of you fucking me (or indeed me fucking you), the more I want to know if I’ve ever featured in your fantasies in the same way.

I wish it was acceptable to ask. As many delightful new ideas as I have filled my head with in the past few months, I suppose part of me is asking the question “am I normal?” It isn’t that I’m ashamed of my fantasies; the sex I want, the ideas which get me wet, are part of me. That doesn’t mean that I don’t want to know how they compare, though. I want to know what porn you watch, what ideas turn you on, what things are on your sexual bucket list.

Screw it: I suppose I just want to talk about sex.

There are different levels of talking about sex though, from your friend texting you and telling you how much more turned out she feels after sex last night to discussing in explicit detail what your partner is going to do to you when you swap snuggling on the sofa for their bed. (Of course, you hope that they’ll bend you over the sofa instead, but that’s a whole other story…) Somewhere in the middle of this scale is a casual chat with a group of friends about ethical porn and what their current wanking fantasies are.

Alcohol helps, sometimes. The lowered inhibitions mean it’s mildly more acceptable to introduce the words ‘pirate sex!’, leading to giggling, more wine, and discussions about our ideal threesomes. I never did get an answer to the question “what was the last thing you wanked over?” though – there clearly came a point when I was more interested in his hands on my arse than satisfying my curiosity. But the next day, when the muscles in my arse reminded me of the previous evening’s activity with every movement, I regretted not having pushed for an answer.

It’s not his answer, necessarily – or not anymore anyway. It’s the answer of the person I’m curious about right now. It’s the answer of the guy I’ve watched scrawling notes in a lecture in his messy clever-boy handwriting. It’s the answer of the girl I smile at as we both reach for the same book in the feminist literature section of Waterstones. It’s an answer that sparks a new filthy idea in my head, which inspires a discussion about sex, or leads to something more. Of course, that question would not give you a holistic approach to the question, but in my mind it is an excellent place to start.

Honestly? I want to know what you find hot. My curiosity for this particular question may be, in part, due to the fact that we simply do not talk about girls wanking. I want to ask girls this question. I want to get people to talk about their sexual desires. I want girls and guys alike to tell me the super hot ways in which they wank, giving me tips and tricks to try myself, as well as fuel for my fantasies.

Surely other people want to know as well? There are moments when my hormone-controlled body convinces my friend that it’s ridiculous that people don’t spend time they aren’t masturbating or having sex talking about sex. It’s not just to know if I’m normal – whether I’m normal or not won’t change how often I jerk off or what things make me slick my knickers – but to satisfy the curiosity that sprung up in parallel to my horniness upon my discovery of ‘oooh, that feels pretty damn good, what if I do…? Oh-my-fucking-god.’

You see, I want to know what other people like. I want to know what turns you on. I want to know that I could, if I was so inclined be able fill your inbox with a filthy story I know would fall in line with your fantasies. I love the power my words have. I want to be able to make you hard. I want to be able to make you wet. But I need some raw data before I can whisper a string of words perfectly tailored for your kinks in your ear.

It’s not the kind of information that could ever be gathered in a piece of scientific research – or at least not unless a significantly more in depth one was carried out than the usual surveys which lead to ’10 Top Sex Fantasies’ click-bait headlines. It’s the kind of information which is personal, imparted over a pint, voices low and arousal stirring inside me.

So c’mon: satisfy my curiosity: what do you masturbate to?