… now bend me over the kitchen table and beat me with your belt.
Don’t, obviously. Not without my consent. However, if we’ve discussed and negotiated you strapping me, then please – I would love some impact play today. There’s one other thing though, that if you’re going to do any sort of kink or sex with me you need to understand, is that because I’m a submissive woman doesn’t mean I’m not a feminist.
International Woman’s Day makes me feel a lot of things. It makes me furious about all the inequality that exists in the world. It inspires me to get off my arse and do shit that will make the world a fairer place for everyone. It gives me a sense of hope that we’re fighting for a better future and maybe – one day – we’ll get there. Other people have written and will write about this, more coherently than me. I’m not coherent, not yet, but I am finding my voice.
Tomorrow, in my ‘real’ life, I’ll be delivering sessions to young girls about body confidence. I’ll be encouraging them to talk about the image myth and the ridiculous expectations that society places on girls and young women. I’ll try to facilitate discussions and will undoubtedly be amazed at their compassion and creativity. In my everyday life, I have opportunities to do some pretty empowering things. I’m never sure I actually make a difference, compared to some of the truly incredible woman who are actually changing the world with their advocacy work. More and more, though, I’m trying to speak out against all the shit that happens around me every day: calling out the sexism, homophobia, and transphobia I hear far too often.
I’m known in some of my friend groups for being ranty and “overly political-correct” because I will tell them off for their misogynistic and racist bullshit. Something that came out of my recently ended friends-with-benefits relationship that I’m super proud of is that my ex fuck buddy now pays for his porn. I mean, I’m no longer fucking him, so I don’t get all the details of his sex life any more, but I know he does find and pay for ethical porn. Worlds away from three friends who laughed at me when I tried to explain why they should maybe think about the effects of free tube sites on porn performers…
I get angry and I get incoherent; I get emotional and I get upset. I wasn’t brave enough to tell the girl I sat next to in maths in high school for an entire year how much her comments about lesbianism being “wrong” hurt me then, but I would be now. There’s only one person I’ll let get away with telling me that they get off to the idea of me making out with another girl, and that’s because I know they’re joking. Even if you tell me that you’re teasing, joking about how you sexualise me because of my sexuality will result in me telling you exactly what I think of you.
I’m queer. I’m a feminist. I’m also a woman who slicks her knickers if a dominant guy whispers in my ear all the filthy ways he’s going to fuck me. The most wonderful thing I’ve discovered in the last year is that these things don’t have to be in opposition. I’m not a bad feminist for wanting the kind of sex that involves me kneeling down while a guy pisses on me. To me, that’s seriously hot, and just because I’ll let you piss on me in a consensually pleasurable setting does not mean I won’t get pissed with you if you try and convince me that programs to support girls to enter STEM fields are a form of positive discrimination.
So yes, beat me with your belt and then cook me dinner while we discuss Simone de Beauvoir’s impact on feminist theory. I’m still learning to find my voice, but I hope one day people will hear me shout. And in the world we live in today, there is a lot to shout about…